I Yensch, You Yensch

*rolls on in and pulls out her soapbox, then stands on it*

Argh. Argh, I say. Why, you ask, do I say argh? Because of Matt Ford. *sigh* Argh. In case you guys don't know, Matt Ford wrote the episodes Eat Me, Meltdown, and, most recently, I Yensch, You Yensch. Yes, that's right. Eat Me, which was the first ever and currently the only 'snarky review' and Meltdown, which was only saved by John and Aeryn being all porny. Well, folks and folkesses, Matt Ford has hit strike 3, and he's out in my book.

I sat down on April 5, expecting to be stunned, amazed, and generally spanked by the first ep of the final four, which, in past years, has always been a strong ep. Well, IYYY was... well, it was embarassing to watch with someone who isn't a scaper in a room. Why?

THOSE GODDAMN SQUAWKING BLUE MONKEY/TROUT/HOBBIT/SMURF/BIRD THINGS! ARGH! And some people said JOOL was annoying, HA!

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. This was Strike 3, and I honestly hope that Matt Ford never writes another episode of Farscape - his track record sucks.

This review is brought to you by an angry mob of picketers outside of David Kemper's office lobbying for Matt Ford to be tarred, feathered, dipped in toads, and run out of town on a rail.

And those are the *nice* picketers.

Oh, yes. And this review is prolly coming in the rawest form ever for a review... basically, I'm watching it on my computer via my video capture card and commenting at the same time. Ain't technology cool?


-Oh, yeah, I can't take credit for this... but if you'll notice, Tammy isn't listed in the credits. Anywhere. Weird, huh?

-Previously on... jeeeez. Long. Sad. Argh.

-who is that doing the 'previously on' voice over? SCORPY?!

-Dood! Nazgul didn't die *snicker*

-And he's all bloody...

-Why am I getting shippy vibes from him and Jool? Wrong, wrong, wrong. Ew.

-Aeryn bounces when she comes down them steps. Yeah. *snicker* Yes, I am a lech.

-Chi's yelling at Crichton about Scorpy... well, she's right. Why should they trust him, but... 'and then they'll kick us?' huh? that's a new expression to me... maybe she meant kill.

-CHI NO LEAVE! Crichton's rather... expressionless bout this, isn't he? He looks so... bland, like he isn't even concerned about his friends leaving!

-'I see peacekeepers. They don't know they're peacekeepers...' get the ref!

-oh, look, the waitress came from Vegas!

-Did D'Argo say that it smelled like TROUT?!

-Braca... you weasel. He looks ridiculously punch-nuts smarmy happy.

-I KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE A TRAP! I KNEW IT! You can't trust that rat bastid! AHHH!

-Okay. I must admit that when the credits started I had this big moronic grin on my face... heee, new farscape for the first time in months!

-STARK! I want Mah Starkbaby back, do you hear, Kemper? C'mon!

-Man, does Braca have a smarmy smile, or what?

-*snerk* Rygel... 'And aim for the HEAD'... ooo, lookit him bein Snarky!

-rofl... So, this is Luxan anger management? Beating up peacekeepers?

-I literally groaned when I saw "Matt Ford" on the credits... *sigh*

-Grr. The waitress and the cook subplot is useless, stupid, and pointless. Why should we care about these people? They don't serve any real purpose to the story, and they aren't amusing... *sigh*

-Jool no leave!

-Oh, man, Chi/Jool slashy vibes, woo... well, okay, maybe not if she hits Jool... Unless they're an S&M couple... *snicker*

-okay. I'm sorry. She probably doesn't look this way IRL... but the makeup job they did on the waitress makes her look like an old washed out whore.

-Talyn makes things go boom!

-How ironic. The medship send their gratitude... then Talyn blows it up, while Crais screams at Talyn.

-And Jool... I'm sorry, but roflmao... She comes runnin up behind Crais and just pushes him, it's like watchin kids on a playground!

-Yensch. I swear, this word has to be yiddish. "Oy vey, you're such a stupid YENSCH!"

-'pay homage to the dominar' oh, man, I so totally perverted the HELL out of that.

-roflmao... D'Argo goes sprawling! LOL! Okay, Anthony is GREAT with physical comedy. MORE D'ARGO PRATFALLS!

-Oh, hell no, Scorpy. Like hell you think that they're going to get away with letting you have crichton if Braca wears the tacky jewelry? Nuh uh, they ain't that stupid!

-oh, god, it's the screaming monkey things. These guys are an insult to monkeys... grrr.

-And I swear, that one monkey with the white hair reminds me of Froony! I don't mean the chattering-screeching-annoying as hell part... I mean, he kinda looks like Froony. And no, I'm not saying Froon chatters, screeches, or is annoying. Hee.

-"Talyn is in shock?" No, Talyn is flat-out psycho.

-ooo, braca, that's a nasty looking wound.

-"You're asking *ME*?" I have a feeling that Crichton and Aeryn aren't talking still...

-Man oh man, is John subdued this ep. Who slipped my good meds into his breakfast?

-'I have shared with him some of the best and worst times...' yeah, like the sweet sweet lovin and that thing where that guy got sick and died?

-Moya's bumpin around so much this ep, I think she has gas. Or the hiccups.

-that gun looks sooo fake. The one they're holding to Scorpy's head. It doesn't look menacing at all!

-Talyn, don't shoot Moya, dammit! I don't like you anymore, you big doodiehead!

-think about sex with those yensch bracelets for a minute. If you feel what your partner feels, and they feel what you feel them feeling... it would go on and on and back and forth until ... well, that would be like, REALLY GREAT SEX!

-YES! YES! YES! WE GOT SCORPY HELIUM VOICE!

-the tattoos on the cook look like the ones that guy in the Mummy has.

-"Ten MILLION Kretmas! *pinky finger to lip*"

-"Why so difficult!?" Okay, I admit, this line was funny... the first 8 times.

-dood, that monkey guy is soooo groping the Vegas Waitress chick's boob.

-Okay, here comes the pointlessly overly long sentimental death scene that involves characters we don't care about. *yawn* Yes, I'm snarking tonight. Deal.

-Man, I'm getting slashy D'Argo/Braca vibes.

-Heh. Interesting how the minute Crichton says a word he's got a gun pointed at him... Guess Talyn's still not fond of Crichton.

-"let us take away your pain"... Oh, Aeryn's channeling Zhaan!

-Okay. I didn't think for one minute that Rygel would shoot Braca... but on the other hand, I wasn't expecting him to shoot Scorpy. Althought, we ALL know that that didn't do jack squat to Scorpy. Man's a cockaroach, he'll be around even after a nuclear bomb hits im!

-"Dominar..." "Butcher."

-Huh. This whole thing with shutting down Talyn is supposed to be sad and stuff... but it just can't grab me. Why? Well, we're switching between this drama and the utter stupidity of the screaming blue monkeymen... *sigh* Besides, it's really hard right now to feel any sympathy for Talyn. He keeps blowing up the good guys.

-Kill souvenir. Heh. Ha.

-LOL, what a shock, Scorpy's hiding a weapon. Although, it was quite a unique place to hide it...

-I swear, the screaming blue monkeymen are getting off on the idea of Rygel cutting off ears.

-Okay, we've got D'Argo, we've got Braca... who gets to be the third Stooge?

-lol... D'ARgo bangs his head on the floor as a diversionary tactic...

-Nice jump there, scorpy, you got some good altitude on it!

-well. For such a tiny little gun, it sure packed a wallop... sent the monkeyman right thru the window...

-LOL! And D'Argo is still banging his head... 'I've got a, uh, uh, hard skull..."

-... and then scorpy tosses food into Rygel's mouth. This is somehow very kinky.

-awww, Chi hugs and then hangs on D'Argo, then gives Rygel a kiss... How can she want to leave!? And Rygel didn't even bitch about the kiss!

-Owwwwwwwie. The scene with Aeryn and Crichton hurt. It's good to know that 'I just can't watch that happen again'... but Crichton is understandably bitter about the whole clone situation. "I missed that dance -" I heard someone say that they think it sounds like he's pissed about getting sloppy seconds... no, that's not what I think. I think he's kinda pissed because HE wasn't the one who got to go off with her, he's got to clean up the mess left in the wake of the other crichton's death... and he's not exactly thrilled about it. The other guy got to play, and go out as a hero, while he's stuck cleaning up the mess. Sometimes it sucks, having to be responsible.

-As important as the whole negotiation storyline may have been...? Well, it was boring. Honestly. As usual, Matt Ford's B-story is much better than his A-story... The whole bit with the negotiation may set up the next episodes, but the screaming monkey things are annoying as all hell and just made me lose interest in whatever was happening there. In fact, this whole eppy just made me go 'bleh. Whatever.'

Well. That's IYYY. But fear not, Scaper-type peoples. From what I've heard of those who have UK tape fairies, the next two eps are great. I'm hoping they are, so as to make up for such a weak start!

LBT, aka 'God'










... PEEPS!


... unless you were in #farscape on Wednesday night, don't ask.