Eat Me

Yes, folks and folkesses, you read that right. Tonight, for one night only, the Spastic Review will be the *SNARKY* review. You'll see why, trust me. This review contains 98% more snark than the leading review!

This review is sponsored by Doublemint! Double your Crichton, double your fun! Two! Two! Crichtons in one! (okay, so I can't sing.)

And now, ON WITH THE SNARKINESS!

-Where the *hell* where they going in the transport pod, and what on Erp possessed them to take Jool with them? I mean, she has proven herself more than capable at screwing stuff up. BTW, she's snarky, too. Jool, I mean. She must've known how many goats this ep would blow. (oooo, can you *feeeeeel* the snark?!)

-Heeey, a Leviathan with a control collar. We haven't seen one of those since the Premiere. Come to think of it, other than Talyn, this is the first Leviathan that the others have come across, no?

-D'Argo's pissed. Which is understandable, given Crichton's current track record for getting people killed. I don't blame him for not wanting to go along with Crichton's plan, and I was frowning when Crichton went against his judgement anyway.

-Okay, what's with the goth decor? I mean, we have the candles, the skulls, the glowing flashing lights, and the dark ambience. All we need is like, some really goth music in the background, like Siouxsie and the Banshees...

-When that guy jumped on D'Argo's back, I was having flashbacks of playing Chicken in the pool... except we didn't have guns... and people didn't end up dead... and uhmn... there was water.

-I just have to say... watching the credits... I love that they added the little shippy bit at the end. Shippy shippy shippy. mmmm. Say it with me. I luuuuv the shippy.

-Eat me. *snerk* Yeah, that's what Devil Kemper can do...

-"Ding dong the pod is dead"... Which old pod? The mean old pod! EEEK! Where's the munchkins? I want my Lollypop kids, dammit!

-bad juju? Huh. For some reason, I thought of my granma, who used to loooooove ju-ju-bes.

-Augh. They're making the *wimmin* stay behind? WTF!? WHAT! I say equal opportunity chance to get slaughtered! This is bringing out the feminazi in me, dammit! Chi can kick just as much ass as Crichton and D'Argo! *grump*

-Every time someone says 'Nerium coils' I kept thinking of Nerri, Chi's brother.

-God. This is totally off topic, but the host on Exposure, this Lisa Marie chick, makes me want to stab my own eyes out, she is such a *bad* host!

-Uhm. When a door on an abandoned ship suddenly slips effortlessly open, when 2 seconds ago it wouldn't budge, it is not a good sign. Okay? Am I the only one who realises this?

-BTW, wtf is with the buzzy-creaky-dying whale noises? They're getting on my nerves.

-Bones? Huh? This isn't Star Trek, D'Argo, and... oh, wait, you meant *those* kinds of bones. Hehe.

-House of horror indeed. (expect a lot of these types of snarky little comments. Imagine me saying them and then pursing my lips, it helps to get the full effect.)

-pus? Eeeew, the Leviathan is leaking PUS! Why the hell is Crichton smelling it? Yee gods, why don't he just taste some while he's at it? Gevalt. What is it with men and smelling things that will inevitably smell bad?!

-D'Argo makes sense. They should get what the need and get the draz out of there. But does Crichton listen? Noooo. Of course not. That would MAKE TOO MUCH FRIGGIN SENSE!

-Night of the living dead indeed. *purses lips and looks all forbidding and disapproving*

-I miss Zhaan. Bring me back my beeeyootyful blue bitch, dammit.

-Look. Crichton, you're from Earth. I know you done seen at least a few horror movies. You FRIGGIN KNOW it's a FRIGGIN BAD IDEA TO SPLIT UP! See? See? This is why I hate horror movies? No one in them has a goddamned iota of COMMON SENSE! "Gee, Brett, there's a fugly killer in a funky bloody mask chasing us, what should we do?" "I don't know, Diane. *snap* Hey, I got an idea! Let's split up! You can go take a shower, too!"

-Jool walks like Kryten from Red Dwarf. *snerk*

-No weapons on her planet? No wonder she's such a wussy.

-I like the slap fight. I like bitch-slap contests... Hehe. Is that so *wrong*?!

-"See? Violence. You'll get the hang of it." Indeed you do.

-WTF is this guy, this freaky guy who looks like he's got a Tavlek metal-head helmet thing going on doing? And why does he have this funky needle attatchment on his arm? He looks like a villain from Sailor Moon! I SWEAR to GODS I've seen this villain on Sailor Moon!

-Uhm... compasses? Okay. Question. I'm not, like, a scientist or astrophysicist, or whatnot, but... as I understand it, Compasses work on the principle that the needle always points north. Now, in space, they aren't on a planet with a northern pole. Why the hell would the compass be pointing north? Hmm? Why would they have a compass at all? You could say 'in case the need to go planetside', but remember, this is a prison transport. They wouldn't really need to use a compass for the planets they should land on!

-That Pilot is missing a few arms, I see... I bet you 2 bucks the zombies are eating them.

-The Pilot sounds like... MOOOOOOOJO JOJO! "For I! Am Pilot Jojo! And there shall be only one Pilot Jojo! And I am he; Pilot JOJO!"

-Okay, when Chi's slinking thru the corridors, I'm hearing digereedoos (and I know I prolly spelled that wrong) in the background. But, hey, it's Australia, they've got those there.

-Okay. Freaky guys crouched around a fire eating meat and jumping at you and making grunty noises. THIS IS WHY I HATE HORROR MOVIES! Chiana, SHOOT THEIR ASSES DEAD! Shoot em already!

-Duh, John. They're cutting off the Pilot's arms so they can eat them. If I can figure this out, you should be able to, Mr. Rocket Scientist.

-Eeew. The zombies are eating Chi's blood like it's goin out of style.

-BTW... May I remind all of you, in case you ever decide to write a Science fiction script... SCIENCE FICTION AND ZOMBIES DO NOT MIX. Zombies are corny, cheezy, and were overdone by the 1960's. Don't use them anymore! Oh, unless it's Rob Zombie, of course. But he kicks ass. The only good Zombie is a Rob Zombie. Yeeeeyah, go go Zombie, go go, yeah yeah yeah... *smax herself* Sorry. Rob Zombie moment.

-Chi does her freaky Xena yell again. It must be a Nebari thing, I guess.

-That bad guy... I just realised, he looks like a carrot! If only he had a hat with floppy green things sticking out! I wonder if he's a veggittibble like Zhaan was! (and I know I misspelled vegetable. It was intentional.)

-Hehe. He hit D'Argo with a bubble-gum ray. Cue the rolling of the eyes! *rolls eyes*

-*snerk* Hey, Ryge! Look! It's just what you need - a lobotomized Luxan!

-Okay. Note to self: Do not give Chi a gun when she's in the grasp of grief.

-Oh, cool. New Starburst CGI. I like it.

-I knew the second that Pilot said that they were getting a distress call that it had to be Talyn. I mean, how many other people do they know who are out on a ship in the UT that haven't ended up dead after an encounter with our crew?

-*snerk* Random thought: Talyn has funky disco doors.

-Yummy. Leviathans are taaasty. Taste just like chicken.

-Why, why, why... when they show zombies on tv, must they either walk like frankenstein or do the crawling along the ground deal? Why can't they walk upright and have normal posture?!

-Jool... mommy and daddy lied. Heheh. Ooo, I'm such a cynic. Bad little Lymey, spank spank.

-Jool's hair looks pink in this light... Punk Rock Jool! AHH! SHE'S REALLY A JEM DOLL! Does she have flashing glowy earrings?

-I just figured it out. That outfit Jool's wearing, with the weird waist-piece? It looks like a diaper.

-Why does Pilot have a skull on his dashboard? Was he acting in Hamlet? Could he not find a plastic Jesus?

-Pilot speaks in his native tongue. I actually like this, because I think the Pilot language sounds really cool.

-"for... for..." MOOOOOOJO JOJO! Sorry, couldn't resist.

-Dr. Spike? Oh, wait, the baddie's name is... Starbuck!?! Does he have a coffee franchise? KILL HIM! IT'S THAT BASTARD RESPONSIBLE FOR STARBUCKS!

-Scarrans, yay! Bring on the ole horse-heads!

-Coooooool, Chi's doin her cool burial rites. I like how she does that thing where she raises her hands above her head. It's a bit of continuity from TTS.

-Okay. These Leviathans are huge, right? Why the hell do they only carry the least amount of prisoners?! Think about it. This one was carrying one criminal. Moya had only Rygel, D'Argo and Zhaan aboard. WHAT GIVES?! That's very inefficient, you know.

-Ack. Now they're burning D'Argo.

-I'd like to note at this point that when the ep was showing, I was paying more attention to my mom playing with my dog, The Mango. Seriously. It was more interesting than the ep at this point, and not nearly as stupid.

-When the camera's going thru the cameras, I started thinking of when the camera in the Evil Dead movies goes flying thru the forest, complete with freaky noises.

-Hungry hungry hippies, hehehe

-I just realised. This bad guy reminds me of Maldis. I *hate* Maldis. I mean, I just think Maldis was a bad villain. Same goes here.

-Chiana gets eaten by a shoggoth. Starbuck, set your ray from 'bubblegum' to 'HP Lovecraft'!

-Whoa, 2 Chianas! I'm thinking back to SIW - "That soooo depends!"

-The Chi that falls out of the bubble first is the one to be killed. I think she was the original... so the copy survives?

-When Rygel goes to pull the transponder out of Crais, I thought he was going to ram him at first. Hehe. Vicious little Hynerian.

-Did Rygel say 'U-boat fighter ships' or am I hearing things?

-I wonder - was it Nebari or Scarrans that hit Talyn? I bet it was one of the two.

-Ooo. DirtyCrichton. And we got a semi-buttshot when he wakes up...

-John has a spaz fit and goes psycho on the door. My mom did that to a door once. It was my fault, *EG*

-Chi has a Stark moment when she has a chance to think. I was sorta expecting a 'ME CHIANA, YOU CHIANA!' deal.

-Daaaaayum. Ben's accent is coming in thick during the second half of this ep.

-I knew D'Argo was in the cell the second I started hearing hissing. No one can hiss like our Luxan!

-dood, doubles? WTF? I thought I was watching *Farscape* not Sliders!

-2 D'Argos are equal and original? But, wait, how can you have two things that are exactly alike be *original* from each other? Does not compute! *malfunctions*

-"We're going to make babies!" For a second, I thought that meant that the Starbucks guy was going to jump D'Argo's bones. I was going, 'EEEEW! NO! NO!'

-Pilot screaming made me think 'Wow. No Orange Julius for Pilot. He's got some *baaaad* brain-freeze.'

-Well, I don't know about youse guys, but I wouldn't eat my family... god KNOWS what diseases they have.

-lol. The doggie PK-on-a-chain looks like a frelled up fugly version of Chiana with massive cold sores going on.

-Why does DeadPilot have a pogo stick stuck in his head? That's a bizarre way to kill someone...

-Rygel listens to Stark. I find that interesting. Now that Zhaan is gone, will Stark be the one who sort of 'councils' Rygel?

-Cool. TTLG reference, where he has to remember the sequence for Starburst. Too bad we couldn't get Rygel singing in this ep.

-Kinky Alien sex! D'Argo? Dear? This is *not* the best time to get a hummer.

-Chiana, why do you want to leave Crichton behind on the dead Leviathan? You would seriously abandon him? Chi, I'm disappointed...

-Jool gets suicidal... you know, they say that it's *really* bad when you go to shoot yourself, and you *miss*!Nice ricochet, tho.

-Crichton's all suicidal. He's ready to initiate starburst, knowing full-well it'll kill him, because he thinks that everyone else is dead. Thank gods D'Argo started running around screaming 'Crichton!' at the top of his lungs.

-John got hit by the bubble-gum ray!

-Aw Crap. Two Crichtons. I seriously thought that they were going to leave one behind.

-ARGH. They split the Leviathan in half! That's not nice! Poor thing...

-Hmmm... What to do with two Crichtons... I could think of a few things... most of them are X-rated... hehehehe *EG*

-Chi is still freaked out by the possibility that she might be the double and not the original Chiana.

-Rock paper scissors! Yay! It's amusing to watch them throwing the same thing each time, and when they stop for a moment, they both exhibit the same, exact mannerisms...

-"How is... he?" "Still tied." Aeryn doesn't know what to do. Now she's got two Crichtons...

-Uhm. why is there a pulse pistol between them? Was the deal that they shoot the first one who loses?

-Okay, people, here comes the major snarkage:

I hated this ep. Seriously. It's *worse* than JC. At least JC had something of a plot. This ep was 4 crew members running around on a derelict Leviathan acting like stupid people act in a horror movie. It was *pointless*. And the whole 'original' thing? Look, pardon my french, but I'm not fucking buying. Okay? You can't have 2 originals of the exact same thing. It's an oxymoron. It's like 'new and improved' - it can either be new, or improved, but not both. This story would've been far more entertaining and far better if they'd focused on what was happening on Moya and Talyn. I'm far more intrigued about Crais and Talyn left floating in space after some attack than seeing zombies try to eat D'Argo, okay? I think the writer should be taken out and gutshot. Then, they should take whoever approved this ep and make them watch an entire season of Black Scorpion straight through as punishment. The plot, what little of it there was, was horribly disjointed and incomprehensible. John was acting *way* out of character. D'Argo was acting more like pre-TTBRC D'Argo... and Chi was playing 'Horror movie scream queen'. It just blew goats.

And this cloning Crichton? We've been there and done that before. Remember MTC? We did that, Devil Kemper. I've been going along with all the plotlines so far, for the past season, going 'Everything's pipe. It'll all be froody in the end.' This is the first plot that I *seriously* have had a visceral reaction against. I mean... yeah, okay, you want shock factor. But goddammit, Kemper, if you keep pulling this shit, you'll start losing fans. Yes, I'm pissed. Yes, I'm snarky. I'm doing what I swore I'd never do - you are *alienating* me, Kemper. I'm sick of you pulling this crap, week in and week out. I have had a show I was an avid fan of go down the drain in flames before (Sliders. Remember that show, when it was good? Back before season 3? The show frelling *rocled*. Then it went to hell in a handbasket, and I didn't watch any more - it was too painful.) and I *do* *not* *want* to see it happen to Farscape. I, at the beginning of this season, was among the people saying 'TPTB know what they're doing. They've always come through for us before!' Now I'm regretting that. I am sorely disappointed. I know some of you out there are going, 'Lymey, it was just one crappy ep. Every season has at least one or two.' I realise this, people. But I do *not* like the way things are shaping up.

Remember, Kemper. I come to this show to be entertained. I am getting fucking *sick* of coming away feeling like crap. Okay? Give me a happy ending every now and then. I left my angst behind when I turned 18. I have a very short fuse for it now. Let some good ju-ju happen to the crew.

Because you are losing me.


LBT, unhappily and very snarkily signing off.